I waited too long last Sunday to post, and then ran out of time so here's my update for two weeks:
Week 2:
Health:
Exercise- 4 times
Dessert- 2 times
Spiritual:
Scriptures- 6 times
Temple- check!
Personal:
Facebook- average <45 minutes
Journal- check!
Week 3:
Health:
Exercise- 4 times (a little loosey goosey on considering walking a friend's dog + walking Costco and carrying potatoes and lifting large boxes as exercise for Saturday)
Dessert- I don't want to talk about it
Spiritual:
Scriptures- 6 times
Temple- see last week :)
Personal:
Facebook- average <45 minutes
Journal- check!
Have you seen that video about men's brains versus women's brains that compares a woman's brain to a ball of wire and everything is interconnected? I'm kind of feeling that way right now. I've got several thoughts running around in my brain and they are all interconnected but not in a way that I can easily type out in an understandable fashion. Warning this might be more stream of conscious than any of my other posts. For those that have had a conversation with me where I start putting information together you can picture that if I was talking my arms would be waving all over the place. I think I wave my arms around because I am trying to untangle the ball of wire. Earlier today my wonderful Aunt Jenny referred to it as a monkey swinging through the branches of her brain. Yep, that pretty much describes things perfectly. (Side note- between typing this and posting I was talking to my husband and waving my hands around and he said it was like I was trying to unravel string- I was like, that is exactly what I'm trying to do!)
Last week we got to the temple. The day we planned happened to coincide with the North Star Community temple day however, we did not attend at their arranged time for a variety of reasons (9:00 is hard to get up, get a baby fed, and out the door, but biggest problem being my temple dress doesn't fit and the Gilbert Temple doesn't rent clothes so gaining weight is preventing me from participating in activities like I wish I could). But no matter what, it's always good to go to the temple whenever and wherever. I was thinking a lot about the North Star Community in connection with other LDS groups and movements that have formed recently. A phrase stuck out to me- within the bounds that Lord has set. I think this is why I appreciate this group. The group is established to support those with same gender attraction and their loved ones. The point of their temple weekend was to pray for those within the community but also to pray for the leadership of the church so that further revelation, understanding, and acceptance may be found. There is no pushing for a specific agenda (which would be outside the bounds the Lord has set), just that more revelation will come and that hearts will be open. The attitude is very humble and respectful, and I appreciate that. (Note, coming back to this several days later- I wrote this prior to the Church's press conference on LGBT and Religious rights having no idea that the press conference was coming- definite answer to prayers.)
This leads me to my next line of thought that has been circling around in my head- sometimes peacefully and sometimes not so much. The issue behind the too small temple dress. I have never been a skinny person and by never I mean in third grade a friend made a comment about how big my thighs were an in 4th grade one day we were told that we would not go out to recess until we all had an assignment done, we were all done and the teacher still wasn't letting us out- a boy stood up and shouted, "We're not going out until the fat lady sings! Stephanie, stand up and sing!" The teacher chided the boy by saying that that was something between a student and their parents and not ok for him to tease about, but definitely didn't say anything about me not being fat. I have always wanted to be a skinny person. I will probably never be a skinny person.
My temple dress stopped fitting before I got pregnant, then I got pregnant, now I'm not pregnant but still weigh significantly more than I did pre-pregnancy when I had already gained weight. Gaining a substantial amount of weight is uncomfortable. It's physically uncomfortable- I can feel it all the time. It's emotionally uncomfortable- I see pictures and go, whoa, that's not good. It's socially uncomfortable- sorry I can't go to the Gilbert temple because they don't rent clothes, just renting a dress is uncomfortable because while I hope the sweet little laundry lady isn't judging me and someone could rent a dress for a number of reasons, I know why I'm having to rent a dress. There's really no way to escape the reminders that I have put on more than a little weight.
But it shouldn't matter right? Physical appearance doesn't matter right? Everyone should just accept me as I am and I just need to love myself as I am. Big is beautiful. I saw a recent article about the "Fat Acceptance Movement." I'm not going to get into it very much, but if you're interested in looking at it, it adds a little more background to my thoughts and insights.
I don't like yes or no questions, because I feel like very rarely is there a straight up yes or no answer to something. I don't think of things so much black and white- more like 50 shades of gray, but not like the book because I hear it's pretty raunchy, but I digress.
While sitting in the temple and during other "pondersome" (is that a word- ponderous, ponderosa- no that's a pine tree- whatever you get the point) moments I have gotten some answers.
No, it doesn't matter. God loves me no matter what, he doesn't care that I had to rent a big white Angel mumu to worship him in the temple. He'd love me even if I wasn't at the temple. But, he does love that I went to the temple. And everyone should love me and respect me no matter what. And I need to love myself no matter what. However, because God loves me, and others love me, and I love me, they do and should care that I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Taking care of my physical is part of that, so it matters that I like what I look like in the mirror and in pictures, and it matters that my clothes don't fit, and it matters that I have the energy to keep up with a 7 month old. The thing I need to change is my focus. I need to stop caring because I'm worried I look ugly or people are judging me. I need to make changes so that I can be a better me in all aspects of life. But I also need to accept myself where I am at right now. A thought that I have had about "Fat acceptance" and political acceptance, and lifestyle acceptance, etc. etc. etc, is that acceptance and agreement are not the same thing. Acceptance means that you respect and do not seek to tear down someone, but does not mean that you agree with their actions or motives. You should accept and love me as a person, but that doesn't mean you agree with me eating ice cream and not exercising.
A good friend posted on her blog recently about "being happy when..." Her happy place she thought was when she is able to move to a new location with a big yard etc. I hope someday she gets her nice house in a cooler climate with her big yard, and I'm sure it will add to her happiness. However, her point was that she needed to be happy now in her little apartment with her adorable daughter, and to accept that (now I'm putting some words in her mouth) she won't find a fullness of joy in this life because this world and this life by nature are flawed. For 7 months now I have been saying that I will do this or do that when I lose the baby weight, especially buying new clothes. So, for 7 months now I have had 1 pair of pants, a skirt, and 1 pair of capris and my maternity shirts to choose from for weekday wear. Mostly since I work at home I just wear exercise clothing and then get depressed when I do need to leave the house because I literally have nothing to wear. My next step in accepting myself where I am is that I am going to go and buy myself some new clothes. I'm not going to care what size they are. But I'm also not going to stop moving forward and doing my best to live a healthier lifestyle.
Another friend shared some wonderful and touching thoughts with me about focusing on "building the kingdom." That triggered a lot of thoughts about a lot of things (do I think too much- possibly) some of which I will share in later blogs, because let's be honest, this is getting pretty long and losing logical flow and that would just push us over the top. But I was thinking about how my goals help with focusing on building the kingdom. Now the spiritual goals are pretty obvious, going to the temple helps with work for the dead, reading scriptures builds my testimony and gospel knowledge which helps me help others. Personal goals aren't hard to show the connection either- writing in my journal can help future generations, spending less time idly on Facebook means I have more time to dedicate to more productive pursuits. So how do health goals translate to building the kingdom? This same friend that shared about building the kingdom previously shared an experience when she was helping others so much that she was not really taking time for herself. She was told by a leader, "You can't serve from an empty plate." When we take better care of ourselves we can be more effective at taking care of others. That doesn't mean that being unhealthy means you are ineffective, but perhaps not as effective as you can be.
Now are we ever going to be "as effective as we can be." No, because that would mean perfection and the fullness of joy mentioned previously. However, the point of all of this is, that we need to be constantly striving to do better. To accept and love where we and others are, but always move forward.
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